Squeenix Does Disney
by becoafamu
Summary: An on-going collection of one-shot stories of crack pairings centering around a Squeenix character paired with a Disney character. Come on in for such fabulousness as Axel/Ariel, Rikku/Jasmine, and counting. Good times guaranteed to ensue!
1. Axel x Ariel

NEW FIC. Crack pairings are fabulous, aren't they?

This chapter is dedicated two-fold- one, to Light Within Darkness (formerly YukaiChick) for her brilliant collection of crack-pairing oneshots titled Blink, which all of you should go and read. And two, to manyissues101, for coming up with the brilliant idea of Axel/Ariel as a pairing. Fabulous.

Enjoy the weirdness! :D

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**Chapter 1 - Axel / Ariel**

Axel was loitering in the Corridor of Darkness, just the way he usually did. He absolutely hated going on missions with Demyx, and today was no exception. The guy was fun to be around, sure, but he made missions take absolutely forever because he had no idea what he was doing, even if it were just a recon mission like today, where all they had to do was see if there were any strong hearts on a particular world. They weren't even charged with creating any powerful Heartless today. All they had to do was walk around and see if there was anything on the world worth having. Unfortunately, Demyx was way more excited about this than he should have been able to be.

"This is my favorite world!" he chirped. Demyx's less-than-infectious enthusiasm notwithstanding, Axel was a little eager to see the world he'd never been to before. He was running out of new places to see, after all, and the threshold for maintaining his interest was slowly but surely creeping upwards. The Organization was going to drive him to murder himself out of sheer boredom.

"Where are we going again?" Axel asked boredly, the boringness of the day oozing out of the walls of darkness and clawing up his legs, trapping him in a spirally vortex of boring-tastic boredom.

"Atlantica!" Everything Demyx said gave the impression that he put exclamation marks at the end of his words. If ever anyone said that it was impossible to speak an exclamation mark without using the words exclamation or mark, well, Axel would happily provide them with Demyx as a counter-example, on the sole condition that the amateur scientists didn't give him back. Wait.

"Atlantica? Isn't that the one that's underwater?"

"Yes!" Axel sighed.

"I hate getting wet."

"I love getting wet!"

"I know." That was enough of that particular conversation. Well, it was for Axel, anyway, but Demyx just kept right on going. Axel decided to tune him out.

"-so you need to be careful, because they can get violent," Demyx finished seriously.

"Uh," said Axel. Beat. "Wait, what?"

"We're here!" Without so much as another look back, Demyx bust open a portal and dove out into the Realm of Light. Dove in the literal sense, of course, since they were jumping into a world that was one hundred percent waterlogged. Fortunately, the Organization's coats did more than just look fabulous whilst clinging to one's body in a smooth, flattering black.

As soon as Demyx hit the world's surface, the coat shifted too, merging with his body to create a form appropriate for Atlantica. In an instant, his legs had been replaced with a powerful fish tail, and Demyx was instantly at home, gallivanting around the water like he'd been there all his life. Axel wondered briefly how, exactly, his coworker (he refused to say 'partner') was able to _breathe, _before noticing the sharp gills that had appeared on Demyx's neck. He rubbed his own smooth neck unconsciously. This mission was progressing from bad to worse.

"Come on in, Axel!" Demyx shouted gleefully, and he reached an arm through the portal and dragged Axel's protesting form forward. He tumbled into Atlantica in a rather undignified manner, but that didn't stop his body from going through the changes for him. By the time he'd recovered his senses, he was half-fish and half-naked. The scales on the fish part were a glittering bright green that hovered right on the border of clashing offensively with his wild hair. Demyx, the lucky jerk, had gotten a neutral and dare he say lovely slate-blue.

Axel gave his tail an experimental kick and propelled forward a few feet, extending his arms quickly to stop himself from bumping into one of the world's hard rock walls. Water rushed through his gills, causing a sensation very unlike normal air-breathing and weird to be sure, but hey, as long as he wasn't asphyxiating, he wouldn't complain.

His brain _was _complaining, however, about all of the _water. _Axel hated water. He didn't even like _drinking_ water- he always flavored it with fruit first, if he had any at all. Water was the very antithesis of everything Axel was and stood for, and now he was completely submerged in it, trapped in the horrible, unhygienic wetness of it all. Now all he had to do was get this mission over with so he could go home, maybe read a nice book, eat some chocolate. That was what he _liked_ doing.

"You've been here before, right?" Demyx was humming to himself and doing somersaults. Axel cleared his throat and asked again, more loudly. "You've been here before, right?"

"Yep!" Demyx sang, but that was the only information he gave. Once he got fixated on something, he was pretty much useless. Axel rolled his eyes.

"So, uh. Do people _live_ here?"

"Of course!" And with that, Demyx turned tail and dove straight down, into a tunnel all-but-concealed at the very ocean floor. Axel could do nothing but gape. Somewhere inside it occurred to him that Demyx was trying to lead him somewhere, but really, couldn't he have _mentioned _that before disappearing? And the lastplace Axel himself wanted to go was _deeper_ into this murky mess of a world. Honestly, who creates a world with no _air_?

With a resigned groan of irritation, Axel paddled himself awkwardly until he was facing downwards, then kicked his tail. He misjudged the amount of force it would take, and slammed his face right into a rock covered with some sort of slimy vegetation. He was _next _to the tunnel entrance, though, and that was what really counted, right? He grabbed onto some jutting rocks, and swim-climbed inside.

After a few more- ok, a lot more- bruises and scrapes, Axel settled entirely into the crab-crawl form of transport, since clearly his tail couldn't be trusted. The going was slow. Stupidly slow. No way would he ever catch up with Demyx now, he thought miserably as he flailed in some sort of water vortex trap thing.

The knowledge that he could leave any time he wanted to was what kept him going more than anything else. Of course, he _couldn't _just biff back to the World That Never Was and whine that his mission was too hard- that wasn't an option at all. It was just nice to have the option, was all. An option that was looking more and more appealing as his left hand got stuck in a rather aggressive clam.

Once he'd pried himself free, it was only another few yards to another open canyon. Demyx was nowhere in sight. One would think, that since they were- urgh- _partners _and all, and Axel was even if only by one rank his _superior, _Demyx would make some sort of effort to contact him. But no. No he did not. Axel listed feebly across the canyon, floating towards the top, feeling his way across.

And that was when he heard it.

A voice. A real, human voice. Well, probably not literally _human _since there was no air, but you get the idea. And not only was this real, similar-to-human voice, well, real, but it was a real, similar-to-human _lady _voice.

She was singing.

"_Look at this stuff, isn't it neat-"_

Axel looked around for where the sound was coming from.

"_Wouldn't you think my collection's complete-"_

He traced the tantalizing sound of civilization all the way to another narrow cave, buried in the bottom of the canyon, looking for all the world like some kid's super-secret hide-out. He could appreciate someone with a super-secret hide-out.

"_Wouldn't you think I'm a girl- a girl who has everything?"_

Correction- a _girl _with a super-secret hide-out.

Axel didn't get to spend much time with the ladies. The only, er, "lady" they had in Organization XIII was Larxene, and she was a beast of a very specific type. He didn't quite understand why there were no more female members, but had narrowed it down to the Superior either having deep-seated emotional issues with powerful women or being a closeted raging homosexual. Or possibly both.

"_I'm ready to know what the people know- ask my questions and get some answers-"_

He pawed his way through the tunnel and emerged into the small grotto, filled with all kinds of ridiculous junk. But the junk wasn't what he noticed. It was the beautiful young woman singing above him. She had long red hair, a shade not unlike his own, which gave them instant red-head camaraderie. Her tail matched his as well, though her green didn't seem as abrasive- maybe red hair and green scales went together in Mermaid Land? Like blonde hair and blue eyes in the rest of the natural worlds?

The room was filled with shelves, and he used them to climb easily up to where the girl was singing.

"_What's a fire, and why does it- what's the word? Burn?-"_

Axel was behind her, now. He smirked.

"Oh, I'll _show _you how it burns, baby."

Instantly, the beautiful song ended, and the girl whipped around to stare at him with a speed and grace he'd thought impossible in fishy form. Once she got a good look at him- was it his imagination, or did her eyes linger on the tattoos?- she immediately propelled herself backwards, though she couldn't go far before running into some knick-knack or other.

"Sorry," Axel said smoothly. "Did I scare you?" She kept right on staring, and for a long moment Axel almost began to worry that he'd gone too far, too fast. Maybe he should have introduced himself first, or brought her flowers or the undersea kelpy equivalent or something. But before long, it became obvious that her curiosity was rapidly overriding her sense of unease.

"Who are you?" she asked excitedly. "I've never seen you before."

"My name's Axel," he said. "And you?"

"Ariel," she whispered breathlessly. She seemed to be quite taken with him, if the way she was fidgeting with her hands was any indication. Axel stole a glance back down at his new body. Well, _he _thought he looked freakish, but maybe his tail was oh-so-much sexier and manlier than what the other mermen had to bring to the yard? His posture straightened, just a little.

"Nice to meet you, Ariel," he said politely.

"Where did you come from?"

"Oh, I just swam over from another w-" He stopped himself. Any mention of the existence of other worlds was strictly verboten. Normally Axel couldn't care less about wreaking havoc and destroying world order and blah blah blah, but this girl seemed much to sweet to utterly annihilate her worldview like that. "Ocean," he finished lamely. "Came from another ocean. There's another one, uh, somewhere else, and I swam here from there." Even as he said it, he knew how stupid he sounded. The worlds, individually, were quite small- Ariel would certainly know already if there was another 'ocean' anywhere within swimming distance. Plus, if she actually _saw _him swim, she'd know he was totally incapable of swimming anywhere at all. His tail twitched at that thought, as if laughing at him for sucking so bad.

"Wow," said Ariel. He couldn't tell if she was naïve enough to bite, or if she was just ignoring his lie for the time being because she wanted to talk to him. She was very difficult to read. But she seemed into him, in any case- her eyes kept glancing down at his torso, and Axel found himself unconsciously flexing his abs. "I've always wanted to see other places."

"Then why don't you?" Axel asked, nudging himself a little closer, as if to dare her to move away. She didn't.

"It's complicated," Ariel said simply, still looking him directly in the eyes, without even a hint of nervousness.

"Is that why you have all this stuff here?" Axel asked, breaking the intense eye contact look around the grotto. The assortment really was rather odd. Everything from treasure chests to spoons.

"Yes. It's my collection of things from other places," she said, with more than a touch of pride. Really, it must have taken _years _to accumulate all of this crap. Axel just didn't have it in him to tell her that everything she'd collected was unmistakably from this particular dump of a world, and not any others. But then, she didn't know about the other worlds, so it couldn't have hurt her anyway, could it?

Ariel finally did move away, swimming past to grab something in particular to show him, and Axel found himself appreciating her human torso, and wondering just what exactly was being hidden by that teeny seashell bra. He just hoped he wouldn't have to swim anywhere. Thus far he'd gotten by just by floating in one place, and he didn't want to push his luck. Now Ariel was back, and shoving a picture in his face. A picture of a man with actual feet- how did _that _get here?- lighting a fire.

"Do you really know what fire is?" she asked, excitement causing her scales to twitch. So _that's _why she was so eager to talk to him. Who knew such a lame pick-up line would have the desired effect? And as luck would have it, fire was Axel's particular area of expertise.

"Sure," he said casually, moving closer again.

"Show me," Ariel breathed.

"Ok." Axel just hoped that his powers would still work underwater. He extended a hand towards the cave floor, where an explosion would do the least amount of damage. And then, with a sizzle and a pop, he launched a small fireball directly downwards, delighting in flash of red light, the sharp hiss of boiling water, and the sudden eruption of bubbles and broken rock that drifted up from the floor below.

Yeah. He was good.

"Wow! Can you do it again?" She swam down to get a better look. Vaguely dumb, but hey, Axel wasn't one to judge. He obligingly launched another fireball, then another, and another, and it was becoming increasingly evident that Ariel thought he was the sexiest thing ever to drift past her since the invention of the mermaid equivalent to sliced bread.

"How do you do that?"

"I don't know, it's just something I can do," Axel said casually. He didn't quite feel like getting into a discussion on the mechanics of Nobody-ism. But it didn't escape his attention that Ariel was leaning closer to him, completely enraptured. He was winning.

"Why? Did you like it?" He took Ariel's lead and moved even closer, until their noses were almost touching. He was moving a little fast- out of practice, after all- but Ariel didn't seem to mind. Was it just his imagination, or was she sneaking closer to him, too?

"Yes," answered Ariel breathlessly. She was centimeters away.

And then he kissed her.

Ariel returned the kiss in earnest, falling into the arms of a beautiful stranger. (Yes, Axel considered himself beautiful, and are you suggesting otherwise?) Just as Axel's hands wrapped around her slim waist, her tail wrapped around his, binding them together even as they drifted to one side, and Axel pinned Ariel against one of the shelves. He avoided her fish half, since he found that a bit creepy, but Ariel was quite eager to stroke his scales, and he found himself kind of enjoying it more than he would ever admit to his colleagues at the next Organization XIII Christmas Party.

The kiss was, well, different, since his mouth was full of water, but Axel didn't mind at all. Somehow, with Ariel, all of the wetness was ok. He pushed her mouth open and deepened the kiss.

Unfortunately, it was not meant to last.

"_Ariel!"_

Axel opted to ignore the intruder, but Ariel did not. She jerked away from Axel's embrace and stared downwards with wide eyes. Axel was forced to look down with her.

"_Ariel! _What would the _king_ say?"

A crab. Axel's amorous intentions had been thwarted by a talking crab. His day couldn't get much worse than this, could it?

"Oh, _no,_" Ariel moaned. "You can't tell him, Sebastian! Daddy'll _kill _me!" Oh, so this little mermaid was a princess. That was nice.

Wait.

_Daddy!_?

A million alarm bells went off in Axel's brain.

"Uh, that's ok, guys," Axel said quickly. "I don't want you to get in trouble. I'll, uh-" He looked into Ariel's disappointed eyes. She really was quite pretty. "I'll come back later, ok?" The crab huffed angrily, but before he could say anything else, Axel had stolen one last kiss from his pretty mermaid and was swimming hurriedly back towards the bottom. His swimming was still atrociously bad, but this time he was prepared to use his hands to stop himself from crashing into anything. He squeezed himself back into the tunnel and was soon back in open ocean.

Well, that had been a disaster. And he was still nowhere close to completing his mission, either. By this point, though, he was pretty sure he could safely tell the Superior that there was nothing worth having on this world. Oh, if you want a cave full of garbage, sure, they've got one of those, but otherwise-

Axel's thought train was abruptly derailed by a sudden surge of electrical energy. An attack that would have barely fazed him in his normal body was nonetheless more than enough to totally incapacitate him as a mermaid. Not that he was operating at full capacity, anyway. Basically, Axel was screwed. Before he could so much as fight back, something thick and rubbery was wrapping itself around his torso, effectively constricting him and concealing his body all the way up to the eyes. He shouted and kicked and placed several curses upon Demyx's Other's mother, but to no avail.

Within minutes, he was unconscious.

And then, some indeterminate length of time later, he awoke.

From Axel's perspective, he might as well have only been out for two minutes, but the sudden change of scenery indicated that the black-out had gone on quite a bit longer than that. Wherever he was, the water was a good deal murkier than where he'd been before, filled with mud and a good deal of something else that Axel didn't recognize, except that it smelled terrible. He was still constricted by whatever had attacked him before, and as he tried to break free, the thing- for it could only be described as a _thing- _turned to blink up at him.

The thing was ugly. _Really _ugly. Its lower jaw jutted out past its top one, giving it the appearance of an unbelievably creepy smile, and its big yellow eyes were blinking up at Axel even as its thick, slimy coils rubbed against him. It was all he could do to stop himself from vomiting in his mouth. And besides that, the thing had a twin- another ugly beastie was swimming in circles around him, eyeing him with an expression not unlike hunger.

But if he thought that was bad, well, he was about to come face-to-face with the most terrifying creature he'd ever seen or _would _ever see in the rest of his not-natural life.

"Well, _well. _Nice work, Flotsy."

Tentacles, that was the first thing he noticed. Tentacles everywhere. Thick and black, with round puckered eyeball thingies that oozed at him. The hideous vision only got worse as his eyes moved upwards. The tentacles flowed- well, it wasn't really so much a flow as a bulge, so, the tentacles bulged into a bulbous torso, which proceeded to bulge upwards into heavy breasts, several chins, and an absolutely appalling haircut. The octo-woman was thoroughly unnerving, to say the least, and her over-painted face was hovering uncomfortably close to Axel's own.

"Kidnapping isn't usually my thing, honey," she drawled easily, "but since Triton wouldn't give me what I wanted, well, desperate times, and you know the rest." She swam back over to a nearby chair, an awkward, bouncing swim that did nothing for her heavy figure. Axel, meanwhile, had not understood a single word of what she'd said, and attempted to tell her so.

"Mmmph mmmph," he complained.

"Now, just relax. I won't hurt you," the woman chuckled. "Just so long as your dear daddy gives me what I want. So _cooperate._" Axel had no idea what anyone, least of all in Atlantica, would want with his father- the man had died with the rest of Axel's world, when he'd been turned into a Heartless.

Wait.

Did these people think he was _Ariel_!?

"Mmmph! MMMPH, MMMPH!" he shouted indignantly, or at least tried. His efforts were only causing his captors to constrict him more tightly, and grin up at him more stupidly. He couldn't open a portal the way he was now, so he was stuck until they decided to release him. His plans for his Atlantica report were rapidly changing. Now he was leaning more towards telling the Organization that the place was too awful and dangerous to be allowed to exist.

"What's that, dear?" the woman laughed. "Catfish got your tongue?"

"Mmmph," Axel swore.

"Flotsy, let the girl speak." The slimy _thing _loosened its coils ever-so-slightly. Just enough for Axel to shout the very first sentence that had popped into his head.

"I'M NOT A GIRL!"

A childish thing to say, to be sure, but Axel just wanted the mistaken identity thing cleared up. And sure, he didn't have the deepest voice or beefiest frame on the block, but he liked to think he was masculine enough to be distinguishable from demure little Ariel. Besides, she didn't have super-masculating facial tattoos.

Fortunately, he was indeed masculine enough to be distinguishable from Ariel. The massive octo-woman gasped, and rolled back onto her swirling tentacles. Even 'Flotsy,' who could apparently speak English, was surprised enough to curl his body to get a better look. Really, _no one _had noticed before now? Who _were _these people?

The woman was back next to him, surprisingly quickly for her size, grabbing his hair to tilt his head back and peer into his face.

"So you're not," she murmured. "Interesting."

"Yeah, sure. Can I go now?" he snapped.

"No," she said dismissively. Well, crap. "Who are you? I've never seen you before." The lazy, near-playful tone she'd used with mistaken Ariel was completely gone, replaced by harsh demands.

"I came from another ocean," Axel lied again. _And I'd like to get back to the Ocean That Never Was as quickly as possible, please._

"No you didn't. I know that because there _is _no other ocean," she said suspiciously. "If you lived anywhere on this world, I would certainly know about it. Unless…" This woman was clearly a lot smarter, or at least more on her guard, than Ariel had been. Axel could see the gears turning in her head. If he wasn't from anywhere on _this _world, well then, he clearly had to be from another one. A pretty easy conclusion to come to, if you accepted the idea of other worlds. Not that he was going to get into that particular conversation with this lady. Fortunately, Axel was spared that and a good deal more by the arrival of the cavalry.

The cavalry, of course, came in the form of Demyx and Ariel, riding a cheerful dolphin.

It was, by far, the stupidest thing Axel had ever seen ever.

"Are you serious?" he asked incredulously. No one listened. His captors were suddenly quite interested in the _real _Ariel, and all but forgot he existed. Soon he was free again, as free as being helplessly adrift in an underground cave could be considered. But in an instant, Demyx was beside him, and Ariel was disappearing back out of the cave on the dolphin's back, hastily pursued by the octo-woman and her pets.

But before she left, she managed one last fleeting glimpse over her shoulder, and offered Axel a shy smile. He smiled back at her, with a little wave. Might as well- after all, he was never going to see her again.

"Did Ursula do anything to you!?" Demyx asked urgently. He still managed to squeeze the exclamation point in, even while asking a question. Ursula. What a fitting name.

"No."

"Ok, good. We've got to get out of here, we're late," he said, and he opened a portal and shoved them both inside. Suddenly under the proper effects of gravity, both fell forward, flat on their faces.

The wetness was gone, and they were both surrounded by _air. _Blessed, wonderful air! Beautiful air! Delicious air! Axel heaved several breaths through his back-to-normal lungs. Then he kicked his feet. _Feet! _He stood- _stood- _back up, and he had never been more happy to have to walk all the way back to the World That Never Was. Demyx, however, looked entirely forlorn. And he didn't follow Axel when he began to walk.

"What is it?" Axel asked.

"Ariel told me to tell you something," Demyx said seriously. Axel raised an eyebrow. "She said, 'Tell Axel goodbye, and that I hope he'll take me to his world someday.' What did you tell her?"

_I hope he'll take me to his world someday._

So. She _had_ figured it out. Axel had to grin. The girl was smarter than she seemed. Demyx, however, was still distressed.

"Axel," he asked uncomfortably. "Did you… _do_ her?"

Axel couldn't help but burst out laughing. _Really_? He didn't have the _parts _as a merman to 'do' anyone, and Demyx, from direct experience, should have known that as well as he did. But hey, if there was one good thing he could take away from this whole misadventure, it was the opportunity to give his easily confusable coworker a hard time.

"A _gentleman _doesn't kiss and tell," he said smoothly, and he took off through the darkness, back towards home.

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Poor Axel. But hey, Ariel's hawt so it's totes worth it, amirite?

Next chapter: CLOUD/HERCULES. Because you all totally saw it when Hercules was battling Cerberus with Cloud's limp yet sexy body flung over one shoulder, right? ... Right? Or was that just me? LOL.

Please review! And, suggestions are always welcome. :)


	2. Rikku x Jasmine

So, I promised y'all Cloud/Hercules. And that one is in progress, I promise! However, it is a much more complicated process than I anticipated. So, in the interim, I wrote a Rikku/Jasmine.

I've loved this pairing ever since it struck me in a wild fit of insanity. I mean, Rikku lives in the desert! Jasmine lives in the desert! Rikku loves treasure! Jasmine has treasure! IT IS PERFECT. Unfortunately, Rikku in KH is a tiny fairy-person- but if I'm ever feeling ambitious, a proper crossover with those two would be amazing. Anyway, enjoy the weird. :)

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**Chapter 2 - Rikku / Jasmine**

Jasmine, _Princess _Jasmine, lived in a tower, in the most literal sense of the word. Her bedroom, high in the palace with magnificent windows, directly overlooked the wilting city of Agrabah below. It was hers, of course, by birthright. She was fabulously wealthy, and would be for her entire life.

'Fabulously wealthy' was absolutely a concept that Rikku could get behind.

She wasn't exactly sure how she'd ended up in Agrabah the way she had. She'd been looking for treasure, of course, with her partners-in-fabulous-crime Paine and Yuna, and had drifted into an open portal or some such. The specifics were fuzzy and not terribly important. In any case, when she'd woken up, she was in a desert. Rikku was fine with that- she liked the desert. After some quick recon, she found out that she was in Agrabah, which held no significance for her until she discovered that also in Agrabah was a fabulously wealthy princess.

That, of course, was all she needed to know. Rikku pumped her tiny fairy wings with a ferocity unmatched by all but the most passionate of treasure fanatics. The palace was impossible to miss- it took up most of the skyline, all splendor and delicious wealth, in a sharp contrast to the dump of a city beneath it. Her mission was twofold: one, find out a way to get back home, and two, make off with as many valuables as her tiny hands could carry in the process.

No one was looking out for a tiny fairy, of course, so Rikku was able to sneak into the palace through an open window with no problems whatsoever. She fluttered silently through the hallways, searching for where they kept the good stuff.

Jasmine, meanwhile, was languishing miserably in her gilded cage.

"Rajah, why do I stay here?" she lamented. Rajah huffed. It was difficult to make out what he wanted to say. "And why am I talking to you? You're a tiger- you can't even understand me." She sighed melodramatically. "Some actual, you know, _people _to talk to would be a refreshing change of pace."

She, of course, had no way of knowing what insanity was about to befall her.

Rikku, meanwhile, unbelievably irritated at having not yet found the gold and precious stones, by sheer chance overheard the princess talking to a tiger. She landed on a stoop and peered around the corner. What she saw took her breath away.

The princess herself was indescribably beautiful- or at least, Rikku didn't know the words for it. Wide, almond eyes, a thick, dark braid, a petite figure wrapped up in beautiful silk. Rikku liked this princess. She liked her a lot.

What she liked the most, however, was the glittering tiara that lay nestled in her new pseudo-acquaintance's hair. _That _had to be worth more than the entire city. Rikku quickly huddled with herself and formed a plan. Fly in, grab the tiara, fly out. Got it. With a practiced speed and not so much grace, she leaped into the air and went into action.

Jasmine didn't know what hit her.

One minute, she was sitting quietly, talking to Rajah, minding her own business, and the next minute, she was being attacked by some sort of small and especially ferocious bird. A small, ferocious, and _stupid _bird- within seconds, the creature was stuck in her hair. She screamed bloody murder and jumped off of her bed. Rikku let out a violent battle-cry and tugged even harder- since it was not, of course, _her _that was stuck in Jasmine's hair, but the tiara she was struggling to pull free. A few more seconds of their awkward dance- with Rikku flailing and Jasmine hopping around in a decidedly un-princessly fashion- and Rikku obtained her prize, detaching from the nest of hair with a few strands still trailing. She flapped triumphantly around the room.

"Ha!" she crowed. Well, to her it was a crow- to Jasmine and the rest of the normal-sized world, it was more of a squeak.

"What on earth-?" Jasmine didn't get a chance to finish.

"See ya later, suckers!" Rikku giggled, and she swooped for the door. Unfortunately, Jasmine had anticipated that particular course of action, and slammed it shut. Rikku wasn't able to swerve in time. She hit the door with a _thud _entirely disproportionate to her size. The recently stolen tiara dropped to the ground, but Jasmine was too amazed to bend over and pick it up. Instead, she rushed to the opposite wall and closed all of her windows. Rikku was effectively trapped.

"Who are you?" Jasmine asked, once she was satisfied that the fairy couldn't escape. She was too curious to care that the tiny creature was also a thief. Rikku, who'd managed to land herself in front of the door, came out of her dizziness with a snarl.

"I'm no one," she said. "Just an ordinary treasure hunter."

"A treasure hunter?" Jasmine repeated. She was sitting around, she was bored, and then the craziest tiny person she'd ever met literally fell from the sky. Someone up there, against all odds, was looking out for her.

"Let me go!" Rikku demanded, and she took to the air again, zipping wildly around the room. Her tiny and calculating brain tried to figure out a way to get the tiara back. There was, of course, absolutely no logical way that she could escape a closed room while dodging a full-sized adult woman and a tiger and carrying an object of her own size and weight. But impossibility never stopped Rikku- she was serious about her treasure. She was not leaving this palace without it.

Then, suddenly, she had an idea.

"You're my hostage," she declared authoritatively, unfazed by her own tiny voice. "I'm going to hold you for ransom." Yes, that was brilliant. The kingdom would of course do anything to get their princess back- that was how these things worked. This way, she wouldn't have to find the goods herself. All she had to do was kidnap one little princess, and how hard could that be?

Jasmine was staring up at her with a bemused look on her face. Rikku figured that 'bemused' was a pretty common reaction to being kidnapped.

"Ok," said the princess finally. "I guess there's nothing I can do. Tie me up, or whatever." The tiger growled, and Rikku completely missed when Jasmine calmed it down with a wink.

Tying up someone about a hundred times her size was no easy feat, but Rikku managed to find some decorative rope and bind Jasmine by her hands and ankles. Jasmine sat patiently and allowed her to do it, all while trying very, very hard not to laugh so hard that she'd cry. Years of poised princess training had, in this instance, paid off.

When she was finished, Rikku surveyed her handiwork, and then settled triumphantly on her new throne- the top of Jasmine's head. Maybe in hindsight it would have made more sense to threaten Jasmine into opening the doors or something, since now they were _both _trapped, but Rikku was sort of new to this whole kidnapping thing, and she was just happy that phase one had gone off without a hitch. Secretly, she was hoping that Jasmine could give her some cues, since as a princess, she was probably plenty used to getting kidnapped anyway.

Jasmine herself was playing along out of sheer boredom.

"So," she asked finally. "Where are you from?"

"Somewhere else," Rikku sniffed. She thought for a moment. "Somewhere _way _more important than here. If _I _got kidnapped like you just did, _I_ would've been rescued by now." Jasmine snorted and tried to pass it off as a sneeze.

"I believe you," she said. "But how do you know someone isn't coming to rescue me right now?"

"Trust me, princess. I have ears like a _fox_," said Rikku triumphantly. Jasmine rolled her eyes, grateful that the tiny person couldn't see her expression, and tried again.

"I'm Princess Jasmine. What's your name?" Rikku took a long moment to think about it, before finally deciding to relent.

"Rikku." Jasmine hm'ed to herself.

"I knew a Riku once, but he was a boy, and, you know, person-sized." She paused. "Actually, he kidnapped me, too." She stiffened a little at the unpleasant memories. Oh, if only all princess-nappers were as inept as this Rikku- her life would be much more pleasant and fun.

Rikku almost felt bad, almost, but she thought of the treasure, and persevered. No one ever won anything by going all _soft. _

"You must have bad Rikku-luck."

"I must have the worst luck in the world."

"Yeah, you could say that again," Rikku agreed. "_I'm _glad I'm not you."

A comfortable silence passed between them. Rajah, satisfied that the princess was in no immediate danger, or even any danger at all whatsoever, decided to take a nap. The minutes ticked by, and Rikku was getting more and more agitated. She _kidnapped _a _princess_! Where was her heaping pile of jewels and riches, in exchange only for the beloved royal's health and well-being? Did they not _care _that the princess was kidnapped?

Really, they just didn't know, since Rikku had clean forgotten the 'ransom note' step of the ransom process. But, like usual, she was convinced it was everyone else's fault.

"It's been what, five minutes already!? Where's my money!?" she complained.

"It usually takes a bit longer for me to get rescued," said Jasmine midlly. Oh. So Rikku had kidnapped a _defective _princess. She muttered something vulgar to herself and refused to repeat it when Jasmine asked.

Fortunately, luck was on Rikku's side that day- or rather, Jasmine's. Not too long after she'd arrived in Agrabah, a certain team of heroes had flown in as well. While she was exploring the city, so were they. They had reached the palace just as Rikku was dive-bombing Jasmine's hair- that is, they had heard the scream, and had spent the ten or so minutes in the interim running full-tilt up the palace, their advance slowed only by the ridiculous height and sheer, stupefying number of stairs. The end result was that mere moments after Rikku voiced her complaint, a shout broke the amiable silence at Hostage Ground Zero.

"Jasmine! Princess! Look out, we're comin' in!" Something slammed rather heavily against the door, followed by a flurry of hushed mutterings.

"Darn! We can't force it open."

"Uh, why don't we try the door knob?"

"Don't be stupid! If she's being attacked, the door must be locked."

"Well, I guess it can't hurt to just _try _it." The knob wobbled timidly, then turned. In an instant, the door burst open, and three very familiar figures came tumbling into the room. Rikku recognized them immediately, of course, in the most unpleasant of ways, and she jumped up from her position on the princess's head.

"_You _guys!" she shouted. The boy, the duck, and the dog all startled and looked around for the source of the words, which did nothing to lessen Rikku's ire. "You _lied _to me! Leon doesn't have any treasure at all, and he tried to make us do _work_, besides! And the fugly guy dumped his nasty cigarettes on Yuna!" Sora finally located Rikku on top of Jasmine's head.

"Oh, you mean Cid?" he asked politely, as if they were having a normal conversation. "I wouldn't call him _fugly-_"

"_Sora,_" hissed Donald.

"Hello, Princess!" drawled Goofy. "How've you been?"

"Oh, I'm fine," said Jasmine. "It's nice to see you guys again."

"And how did _you_ get here?" Before Rikku could escape, Sora grabbed her around the middle with a boyish and over-sized hand. She kicked and swore. _She _had the power here- this was a hostage situation!

"Put me down or the princess gets it!" she threatened. Everyone ignored her.

"It's ok, Jasmine, we'll take her back to, er, where she came from," Sora said awkwardly. He yelped a little after Rikku bit his hand, drawing a tiny droplet of blood.

"I'm not leaving without my treasure!" she hollered.

"Treasure?" asked Donald hopefully. Sora stepped on his foot.

"Treasure?" the princess repeated, with a curious look on her face. Rikku was eyeing the tiara, which was still on the ground where they'd left it. Jasmine understood. Hey, it's not like money was something she had a shortage of- and besides, this little Rikku person had brightened her afternoon.

"It's ok, you can keep it," she said. "I have plenty of others." Those appeared to be, as they say, the magic words. Rikku squealed in girlish delight, her distress entirely forgotten.

"Really!?"

"Really," Jasmine laughed. She nodded to Sora to let the tiny fairy go, and once he did, she swept down and grabbed what was rightfully hers, clinging tightly to her gift. As she was leaving with Sora, something occurred to her. She gently placed the tiara on a nearby shelf, turned back around, and flapped over to where Jasmine was still sitting.

"Thanks, Princess!" she beamed. "Sorry about the kidnapping- I hope you're not too traumatized." Then she flew right up to Jasmine's face and planted the tiniest of kisses, right on the corner of her mouth. Jasmine didn't even get a chance to react before Rikku swooped down, grabbed the tiara, and flew back out of the room without looking back.

Stunned, Jasmine moved a hand up to her lips. Then she slowly cracked a smile.

"Rikku," she said thoughtfully, looking over at Rajah. The tiger was still asleep, but that meant nothing to Jasmine. "What a strange little person."

* * *

Ta-da!

NEXT CHAPTER: God knows what, since the Herc/Cloud thing is still languishing partially-finished on my computer, after morphing into a sort of Cloud/Hercules/Sephiroth three-way of weirdness. So, probably Hercules/Cloud, but no promises over here. I'm back in school doing my band thing, sooo, we'll see what happens.

Reviews make me happy. LET'S ALL TALK ABOUT THE DEPRESSING DEARTH OF KINGDOM HEARTS FEM-SLASH! At least now I can say I contributed! :D


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